another black day on the calendar approaches. this one has me more upset than i expected. my birthday is tomorrow. without my mom it seems unnecessary somehow. i wish it wouldn’t come, it wouldn’t happen. it’s a terrible reminder of the loss now, not a fun celebration of my life. i know she would want me to make new memories in my new life - but it’s so hard to do this when all my favorite memories of birthdays include her.
there are times- mostly around days like celebrations that feel like an anniversary of loss - when i just don’t want my life to keep marching forward into all this newness. i just want to halt time, just stop it so that i don’t move any further away from the time when i had a life with her in it. it’s too hard. i just want to go back to where my life with her happened - where there are marks of her all around, on my things on my garden, on my people, on my clothes - where there are reminders of her, where her presence is tangible. i hate being somewhere where no one knew her.
and i want to go home to her home, where she once wished me happy birthday and kissed my cheeks.